Kick Back with me

Due to an exponential increase in the quality of my life over the last two months, I have decided to discontinue this thing.  It began as a fight against boredom, a state that is now more a rare privilege than a depressing plague.

Never fear, loyal partisans--I will continue to contribute soccer goodies regularly to Kick Back Online, a phenomenal upstart movement dedicated to the arts and social activism (namely through its subsidiary contrivance Save Your Brain).  DTOM and KBO joined forces a few months ago, and I will continue to do what I do, just exclusively under the much larger umbrella that is Kick Back.

Come with me, children.

RSL fall short; Dempsey sets record

Last night, a single defensive lapse in the box by Real Salt Lake kept them from continental glory.

Chilean international Humberto Suazo, Monterrey's top striker, was able to put one home from 15 feet off a give-and-go during first half stoppage time, giving Los Rayados the 1-0 victory (3-2 aggregate) in the CONCACAF Champions League final.  Mexican clubs continue their run of titles, preventing Real from becoming the first American team to reach the Club World Cup.

RSL's Will Johnson helped his club dominate
possession throughout the night, but it wasn't
enough.

Salt Lake dominated possession from the get-go, rarely relenting on the offensive pressure met calmly from the Mexicans.  Captain Kyle Beckerman watched from the GM suite (yellow card accumulation), but I don't think it would have made a huge difference.  He was no more likely to get one of RSL's many crosses to end up in the back of the net.  They simply couldn't capitalize (even when all they needed was a 1-1 draw for the title).  Both teams made few mistakes on defense--but Monterrey took advantage, and have a Champions League trophy to show for it.

I, like many neutral or non-RSL fans, rooted for the Royals like they were my own children.  What a North American title and a trip to the Club World Cup would have done for us... I guess there's no point in even bothering with the "what-ifs."  But many agree that simply reaching this point was HUGE for American soccer, and that it will hopefully push other clubs to take the tournament just as seriously.  LA Galaxy, Colorado, Dallas, and Seattle will be in the next Champions League (beginning later this summer), and hopefully they'll follow suit.

Clint Dempsey

Well on his way to being the most successful American soccer player in European history, our beloved superstar winger has made headlines again.

Clint Dempsey being fucking awesome.

Not only did his brace against Bolton Wanderers lead Fulham (now safe from relegation) to a 3-0 victory, but it catapulted him over compatriot Brian McBride for the team record for career goals in the EPL, with 33.  Last month, he became the first American in the EPL to score 10 goals in a season, a record also held previously by McBride (9, twice).

And talking about Bolton just brings me back to the Stuart Holden injury, which reminds me to get off my ass and get back to that Jonny Evans hate mail.  Christ, this post has been an emotional rollercoaster. 

Here are Clint's two goals:

Most Significant Game in American Club Soccer History

...now that I have your attention.

I've talked about Real Salt Lake's journey through the CONCACAF Champions League a few times.  A small-market team with a comparatively tiny payroll (less than half of David Beckham's salary) has spent the last year shipping themselves all over North America for this very night.  After drawing 2-2 at Monterrey last week, RSL hosts the Mexican powerhouse tonight for a chance at the FIFA Club World Cup at Japan in December.  Expecting over 20,000 in attendance, RSL has single-handedly taken a tournament from Eurosnob obscurity to the point where players, coaches, and fans from all over the league have sent their well wishes to the organization for tonight's match.  After all, Salt Lake is looking to be the first team to ever represent the United States at the Club World Cup.

The event (10 pm EDT, Fox Soccer Channel, CONCACAF TV) has been almost unavoidable.  Even "non-soccer" media has dubbed it as more important than any MLS match in history.  Those closer to the situation have been able to communicate with the common fan and equate it with the obviously larger UEFA Champions League, and therefore boost its local and national relevance.

While I can't sit here and say that a Salt Lake win would forever change the landscape of American soccer as we know it (it would take a US World Cup win to do that so swiftly), the theme of "every little step helps" rings as true as ever.  Regardless of your allegiance, seeing Kyle Beckerman hosting the trophy in street clothes would be one of the most monumental moments in American soccer history.  And many people won't realize that until after it happens (God willing).  But that's okay with me.

World Cup Qualifying


CONCACAF's new qualification format, as mentioned last month, has officially been submitted to FIFA for approval (more than likely a mere formality; it should be approved rather quickly).  The only difference from last month's report is that, like Asia, CONCACAF will be staging the first round of qualification before the official draw in July.  Announced yesterday, the round will begin June 3, with two-legged match-ups seeded according to the March 9 rankings, as opposed to a random draw (which would have happened had this round occurred after the July draw in Brazil).  The return legs will be played June 7.

The match-ups are as follows.
#26 Belize v. #35 Montserrat
#27 Dominican Republic v. # 34 Anguilla
#28 British Virgin Islands v. #33 U.S. Virgin Islands
#29 Saint Lucia v. #32 Aruba
#30 Turks and Caicos Islands v. #31 Bahamas

The winners will advance to the second round, a group stage with teams ranked 7-25.  The US, ranked #1 in CONCACAF, have a bye to the third round.

Portland, OR > Anywhere Else in The US

Last night, the expansion Portland Timbers hosted the Chicago Fire, in what was their home opener at newly-renovated JELD-WEN Field.  As with any recent MLS expansion club with roots in successful lower-division soccer, the preseason and pre-game hype was high, and the soccer media turned their full attention toward the festivities.

I've been reading up on Timbers lore for a few years, since even the slightest rumors of MLS expansion surfaced.  There isn't a single soccer club in US history with as much tradition.

They have one of the largest supporters groups, the Timbers Army, in what is one of the smallest markets in MLS.  Eight thousand supporters highlighted an 18,000-body sellout last night. Their songs are more numerous and unique than their counterparts (including the national anthem before the match).  Their tifo is enviable at worst.  They have no other sports teams to distract them (other than the Trail Blazers, but let's be honest with ourselves).  And their mascot is a real-live lumberjack (Timber Joey) who goes batshit and cuts a two-inch slab of pine with a chainsaw every time the Timbers score.  The goalscorers hoist the slab in the air after the game, and get to keep it.

They sing Elvis' "Can't Help Falling In Love With You" to reference the King's performance at the site where the stadium now stands.  They sing "You Are My Sunshine" every game, at the 80th minute, to honor the daughter of the old mascot (Timber Jim). (must read, it's a tearjerker)

They are the Boston Red Sox, the Green Bay Packers, the Detroit Red Wings of American soccer--the team, stadium, and city is full of history, and the fans live for the franchise.

Seattle has earned most of the supporter-related headlines the last few years.  As they should--their average attendance is more than double the league average, bringing in well over 30,000 fans every game.  Compare this to the 5,000 they worked hard to get in their lower-division days.

Portland, however, has been raking in 5-figure attendances since their old NASL days in the 70s, let alone the USL seasons of recent years, before soccer was even close to the attraction it is now.

Seattle (as well as Toronto, Philadelphia, Vancouver, Columbus, etc.) loves its soccer.  But Portland lives for the Timbers.  They are a dorky bunch that rides bikes everywhere and, I hear, knows beer pretty well.  But soccer is not a new phenomenon in the Rose City.  It is a generational gift--a way of life.  Portland is soccer.  If you watched last night's game, with all the rain pouring on the old, tradition-laden field, you'd think they were in East London.  It's like time turned itself inside out and dropped decades of  a soccer institution in 2011's lap.

Be jealous, Seattle.  You may have twice the numbers at the stadium, but you don't have half the heart.  Not from here, at least.  Portland makes me want to be a fan.  They make me want to breathe everything they have to offer, on and off the field.  And you don't have any lumberjacks.

(FOR MORE AWESOME PHOTOS, CLICK HERE)

USA 0-1 Paraguay; Ochocinco a make-believe soccer player

Tough loss for the boys in red (although it's kind of a smelly red).  Oscar Cardozo's 18th-minute tap off a corner kick inside the box was all Los Guaranies needed for the road victory in rain-soaked Nashville.  It was an easy goal, too, with two US defenders on the wet ground after losing their footing.

Juan Agudelo, mirroring how much
of us felt last night.

Wasn't the most exciting game I've ever seen.  Although the Yanks dominated possession for the final 70 minutes of the match, they had trouble stringing together enough passes to get to within 30 yards of goal.  The game was clearly more of an experiment for Coach Bradley, who used a bunch of subs from start to finish.  The lack of experience (on the international stage, and with each other) showed for much of the match.

Goalies Marcus Hahnemann and David Yelldell (US debut) got 45 minutes each.  They weren't really tested often, but held it together nicely.

Although they struggled a bit in the first half again, the defense wasn't nearly as disastrous as the Argentina match Saturday.  Timothy Chandler once again showed athleticism and pace, with constant runs up the wings and solid crosses.  Jonathan Bornstein, who played at left back, played similarly but didn't look as comfortable on defense.  Jay DeMerit strained a groin right before the half, and was replaced by Carlos Bocanegra.  Both of them had decent games and showed presence on set pieces.  Tim Ream, for as big of a deal as people are making him out to be, looked like he never played soccer before.  He looked extremely uncomfortable, with bad first touches and ugly passes (both being sub-themes of the day for the US).

Landon Donovan

Michael Bradley, Clint Dempsey, Landon Donovan (captain for the night, even after Bocanegra came in), and Juan Agudelo all had nice efforts, although the lack of decent ball control (I'll only blame it partially on the rain) across the board prevented serious offensive threats.  Agudelo did, however, show a few flashes of this dribbling brilliance of which people speak.  Jozy Altidore was MIA for much of the game, although that was in part due to the pressure put on him all game long when he got even close to the box.  Both him and Agudelo were double-teamed much of the match.  Maurice Edu had trouble moving the ball in what at times seemed like a clogged center of the field (what else is new).  He was replaced at halftime by Jermaine Jones, who for the second time in four days, was absolutely fucking putrid.  Guy was a walking turnover.

Sasha Kljestan, Jonathan Spector, and Eric Lichaj (who had some great throw-ins toward net that could translate into goals on better days) also saw time.  Mixx Diskerud was the only unused sub, which if you ask me is a fucking travesty, considering his play against South Africa in November and Jermaine Jones' lackluster performance on Saturday.

Along the vein of experiments, I hope to see a 30-some-man camp before the Gold Cup, and get some more young guys in against Spain before the tournament.  As much as poor passing and ball care hurt us throughout the night, we can safely attribute much of this loss on how many subs were in by the end of the night.  Jose Agudelo, with his lack of experience, counts as a sub for purposes of my point.  I find it frustrating that we couldn't get a goal, but with 2 months to go before the Gold Cup, I think it's imperative to see more of these guys moving forward.  They need to play together as often as possible.  Also, I wish we could squeeze in another friendly between now and June, but it seems that the lack of international dates (and time in general) will prevent the federation from doing so.

Ochocinco


"Honorary member."  That's what Sporting Kansas City is calling Chad Ochocinco, who proved his lack of worth after six days of training and a reserve match against the fourth-division Kansas City Brass.  They're letting him stick around to train with the reserves and stay in shape until the NFL and its players kiss and make up.

By MLS definition, he's still a trialist.  Meaning, he doesn't get paid, and can play in up to two MLS Reserve Division matches this season.  SKC's reserve team also plays the Brass a bunch of times throughout the year.

What has Sporting learned about #85?  He's an athlete, clearly--but lacks the top-flight soccer skills and fitness necessary to even come close to making the team.

I still think this is a joke--KC are throwing themselves under a skeptical media bus by letting a guy with a household name wear their colors, when he has no merit otherwise.  I went to high school with kids that could probably out-play him, yet would never be given the time of day by the organization.  They said that this wasn't a PR stunt, but I hate to tell you, it has become just that.  You all look like morons.

USA 1-1 Argentina

Phenomenal result for the Yanks, given the complete domination by the Argentines in the first half.

Esteban Cambiasso's goal right before halftime summed up a miserable American midfield experience, as well as athletic superiority for the Albiceleste attack.
The second half, however, showed us what the US can do when on the ropes: play physical but patient soccer.  Juan Agudelo (again) was able to tap one home in the 59th minute off a free kick rebound, solidifying the encouraging draw.
The result was not the only encouraging aspect of last night's match.  Both halftime substitutions (Agudelo and right back Timothy Chandler) made Bob Bradley look like a genius.  Agudelo, while his goal seemed like it was of the right-place-at-the-right-time variety, was able to show some athleticism and good instincts when left with a well-deserved rebound off an outstanding free kick by Landon Donovan and a great header by Captain Bocanegra.  It was his second goal in three games with the national team.  Now, let us watch the media drool over the 18-year-old for a few weeks and Freddy Adu-ize the shit out of him.

Juan Agudelo

Chandler made it very clear that he wanted to be part of the offense, frequently running up the right sideline like it belonged to him.  His 45 minutes of play on both sides of the ball was enough to earn him praises.
I'm slightly miffed by the choice to put Jozy Altidore as the lone striker in the first half, an experiment that obviously did not work particularly well.  Donovan and Clint Dempsey had trouble finding options on the run, and we all know Jozy is not at that caliber (yet).
And while I'm second-guessing the lineup selection, is it bold or unrealistic to say that it's about time Michael Bradley and Mo Edu (and Jermaine Jones) learn how to play in the midfield together?  I understand the idea that these identical players who prefer to roam in the dead center of the pitch is causing a logjam at the position, so I think it's time for them to figure it out.  It's blowing way too many offensive opportunities.
My man of the match is obviously Tim Howard.  For the gazillionth time, he bailed out his fellow countrymen on numerous occasions with terrific saves, and is the most deserving of the honor.  The score could easily have been 3-1 or 4-1.  Another great showing by #1.
Had a great time at the match.  Boozed it all the way to the stadium, met some really cool people tailgating, and I think I hugged a stranger after the Agudelo goal.  As ugly as it might be from the outside, a sold out New Meadowlands Stadium is an incomparable experience.




***Just announced: USA-Spain at Gillette Stadium, June 4.  I'm a tad surprised that such a high-profile friendly would be scheduled three days before our Gold Cup opener, but I'm assuming this means that the starting lineup won't be playing the whole match.  Great warm-up match for the Yanks, though, and a phenomenal one for New England.

Dealing with the Bad Eggs

While the NFL threatens to scratch and claw at the integrity of gridiron football with mindless rule changes to prevent horrific injuries because they're too scared to make the safest available equipment compulsory (wait, isn't there a lockout?), what is being done in soccer worldwide to prevent dangerous plays?

A straight red card and suspension?  Sure, that's the typical punishment for leaving your feet with the spikes up and maliciously attacking another human being.  But does that deter miserable hacks like Manchester United's Johnny Evans from doing that?  No.  Just like a $50,000 fine won't prevent James Harrison from going helmet-to-helmet with someone and getting all dramatic about it the next day.

Until Sepp Blatter or Roger Goodell puts their players in those inflatable sumo suits, injuries will happen as long as idiots like Trevor Gillies continue to do what they do.  But there's no reason to punish an entire league when the problem on our hands should be dealt with on a case-by-case basis, and the powers that be need to figure out a more efficient way of doing so.  I understand that 2010 was the year of the headbutt for the NFL, but that doesn't mean the league (especially when it's barely operational) needs to eliminate all excitement from kickoffs (I can't imagine what it's like to be Devin Hester right now).  That'd be like removing the spikes from soccer cleats, or preventing them from EVER leaving their feet.  Luckily for soccer, the rules are simpler than those of football, so such drastic changes will never happen.

A better comparison might be that of taking those fun wooden blocks from kindergarteners so they don't hit each other with them.  Just because 2% of the class uses them as weapons, that doesn't mean you should take the blocks away from Josh Cribbs, Nicklas Lidstrom or Maicon.

Suspend these neanderthals.  Fine them.  Kick them out.  Eat their children.  But changing the complexion of the game is not prudent.  These athletes have minds of their own.  It is insulting and unfair to the rest of the respective sports to inflict this preemptive nonsense.  The game of football (or soccer, or hockey) isn't broke, so don't fix it.